Still awake — the natural consequence of having taken too long a nap in the afternoon and having stayed up too late finishing a book. I've tried several times to fall asleep and all I do is lay in the dark, thoughts bubbling up out of my head (my stomach? Sometimes it feels that way).
I worry about a lot of things, probably (definitely) more than I should. Right now, all I can think of is the ending I am quickly drawing to, and the beginning of something new that will be even more difficult because of all the changes it will bring.
I worry that as the summer draws to a close, I won't finish my products properly or in time; that I'll leave with regrets from not having done this or that; that I'll leave without any more confidence in myself than I arrived with.
I worry that as the new school year starts, I'll be too busy to study properly, or well; that I won't be able to handle my new schedule; that I'll miss Tom too much.
Well, I know for a fact that I'll miss Tom too much. It's no secret to confess that our impending separation (he will soon be much more than a few hours' drive away) has worn a little knot in the pit of my stomach. I don't worry about us; I worry about me. Is that wrong? I try to deal the best I can with his absence, and I admit that I've gotten better at it, even though I'm far from perfect. I've spoken to a number of people this summer who are even married and separated from their spouses. Does it get easier? Will it be OK?
No doubt I can blame these semi-coherent, post-midnight ramblings on the sticky half of a cinnamon bun that I ate for dessert. Late nights always put me in a pensive mood. I just need to stop worrying, I guess. Though I've told myself that many times, and never with much success.
This has been a very long post, and for that I apologize (to the few people who read/care). But I guess that's what this blog is all about — it serves as a catch-all for what I'm feeling, or fearing, or looking forward to. And thank goodness, because otherwise all this would still be roaming around my mind, large thoughts inside a small head. Maybe now it will be easier to fall asleep.
1 comment:
It's natural to worry about all these things, since everything is happening at once. Speaking as a person who comes up with Plans C and D before knowing whether Plan A works, I know that things will work themselves out. They always do.
Hope you'll feel better in the morning. Sleep does wonders when you can fall into it.
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